My birthday is coming and so is another year or page if you will. I think the best way is to do a quick recap of what has happened in this year. As I remember, last year’s start was pretty rough on the emotional side. But not going into much detail. First time in my life I moved out of my parent’s house. Yeah, I know… was about time. But I had many plans (through-out many years) that went south which hit financially pretty hard and some things didn’t work out as I thought they will. In the start of summer, I moved back because of reasons. Anyway… it was an experience nonetheless.
From Google Adsense’s side my “business” if you can call it this way, was blooming but winded down for me as the year ended because of some policy changes related to my other websites. So I had it financially pretty rough in the last few months because I was heavily relying on that as a student who is working on a bachelor degree.
We had a long-waited GTAV.ee project administrative team’s gathering in summer. The whole event was a blast quite literally. The first day got way out of hand, the place was pretty much levelled when we all woke with a nuclear hangover. Trash everywhere and so on, but we all cleaned it up. Some guy was even sleeping in the sauna and had “pillow” which was an empty vodka bottle. In the second day, I remember we fooled around and I even made soup on sauna’s stones where they throw water to get the heat & moist up in the air. Some guy wanted to leave in the second day because of his friend or something but we ensured that he couldn’t drive away. We parked him in short. There was also a fight we hold off because of some random internet beef which emerged. Oh, and one member got hit by a log to head and we had even ambulance over there. Yeah, lot of stuff happened. 😀
After many years working in Zetabit which I started with friends from Tallinn’s Polytechnic school, I finally decided to try to work outside of it in another company. I was pretty uncertain that could I handle it but I think I managed it nicely. I even got few good words to my work from employer now and then but had to leave it in October because school went pretty insane with exams from the mid-semester. Wouldn’t have quit but I started failing some math tests and then the stress arose which came with week-long headaches and nausea. After quitting, nausea and headaches immediately faded away, which I was trying to hold back with some painkillers but they didn’t have any effect. But while working I managed to save some money for later at first but it all had use afterwards which I talk in that post a bit later.
One of the key points last year was that I bought my very own car. Mitsubishi Lancer 2007 72kw 1.6L manual, for all you car fanatics. I know it’s not powerful or special or anything but I had to have some reliable vehicle to get from point A to point B. It’s used so it has some (beauty) flaws here and there but I’m fixing those as quickly as possible to a student. Planning to fix those in next summer when I go to work again.
I saved the very best part of the year for last. Around mid-summer, I met with this wonderful girl Triin. When I first saw her I was so astonished from her beauty, the lush fluttering hair, shiny & a bit vicious seductive eyes and the mysterious attitude just grasped me. But when I saw her I also remember the line which went through my head, which was something like “Yeah me and her, probably not gonna happen, I couldn’t handle her. She looks too much out of my league. Too attractive and adventurous to give a chance to guy like me who second-guesses every move he makes and hasn’t travelled like further than the neighbour countries.”
I recall that I was so terrified and had a massive tremble inside of me to contact her. Lucky for me I’ve started to practice my new method to get things done which I’m too afraid to execute. It looks something like this that I “mute” the panic part of myself, then command myself like some kind of a computer to do the thing which needs to be done and then I just observe what’s going to happen next. But right after the did is done the “mute” of panic side goes off, so the tremble comes back on. If any of that even made sense to you I just wrote. 😀 But what I’ve felt is that practising it has made me somewhat of relaxed to all the things I fear and I’ve been insecure of. So it has helped me to develop my inner self to not panic to every little thing.
Anyway, I “muted” my panicker in the head and typed some kind of message. When the message was complete then I checked and thought about the message like at least 10 times before sending it. I adjusted some wording here and there countless times. Finally, before sending it I thought inside of my head that probably nothing is going to happen and the best response would have something like “hello” or “hey” and after that silence like most of my tries. So I just hit “Send” and thought “fuck it” I’ve got nothing to lose. Just right after that panic monkey in my head got loose. Couldn’t do anything productive that day as I remember so I just played Kingdom Come: Deliverance probably to pass some time. The game just has some kind of calming effect on me, don’t know why.
After some time I got a message and it wasn’t just “hello”. My upper floor had system breakdown because of the unexpected input which came from that mysterious girl (confusion). Other parts of it had fires going off (panic). And also one part was having a party (extremely joyful). So at first, I couldn’t even understand my feelings. I saw that I wasn’t able to answer right away so I meditated to let off some steam. Probably even went for a quick bicycle ride. When I answered her every time I felt so careful as I was defusing some kind of a bomb. Because I didn’t want to ruin the opportunity to some foolish mistake. I composed the sentences as decent as I could with best possible wording and throwing few jokes here and there also (yeah I know, me & funny… doesn’t compile at).
As I get to know her more and more through the time I saw that she’s the sweetest ever. She also has warm and caring personality with a good amount of sarcasm as well. Oh, and the taste about food & other spices, interior decoration, home education, clothing styles and various other daily life things are also like a bullseye. Don’t get me wrong we also have some minor arguments here and there sometimes, but that’s all normal to a growing relationship where both sides are adjusting to the other half (at least I think so). The important part is that we’re able to solve our indifferences quite smoothly.
We matched so great that we even went on a trip together in Egypt, while we only knew each other for 6 months. Me who has always dreamed about for a trip to Egypt but was always too scared to execute it. I even have a few posts from that trip if you’re interested.
In conclusion to self-development, I think I can say that I learned a lot more than I’ve learned in the previous few years. I’ve developed a lot mentally and thought about the thoughts which I’ve never had. I see my future more clearly than I’ve seen it ever before and I’m making it with the most possible excitement as we speak.
Thank you, My Dear Triin, for being here with me. Life without you would be so dull and colourless. ❤️